Earlier on, on the way home alone, I was just thinking back... Looking at my life over the past few years, how much I've changed, how much I've grew and stuff... Then I realised I'm actually damn dumb, like I misinterpret almost everything, and eventually making myself angry and upset. Is there any cure for it?
I should wear a note that says, "DO NOT BE NICE TO ME". Because once somebody starts being nice to me.... I'll probably just fall for them. And the funny thing is, EVERY SINGLE YEAR, FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS, same problem, different guy. Like recently, Joanne had a really deep talk with me and it made me realised that I actually have no defense for myself, I just fall for people like that, in a blink. And it's damn stupid la honestly. I just hate how I cannot differentiate all the feelings.
The first year,
He who is always complimenting me, he who is always wanting to show me off to his friend, he who is damn romantic. I thought he was the one. But I was wrong.....
He had another girl, and I was actually the third party..... Wtf.
How did I not find out?!
The second year,
He who stood by me when I was really at my low point because of the first guy, he who cheered me when I was down, he who constantly made me laugh by all his silly actions, for a year. I thought, so maybe he's the right one this time. But I was wrong TOO....
I was only a close friend.
Just me being sensitive.
The third year,
He who waited for me for a year, he who never gave up when I rejected him, he who would do anything just to spend time with me, he who made me fall for him after a year,
AND LEFT ME.
I guess this was the biggest blow to me.
I sincerely thought he really loved me, that was why he was willing to wait for me for a whole year....
BUT I WAS WRONG.
And then now.....
I question myself....
"What's the point?"
Yes, the feeling of being loved, being able to spend special occasions with the special someone, being able to share joy/tears/anger with someone who would make you happy soon after that, is great. But look at this world right now. We are not living in a fairytale, neither are we living a drama. The perfect guy/The right guy, will never appear in your life in the nicest way. In fact, all this are too complicated and scary. What if you thought he's the right one but after marriage, then you realised he's not the one. There have been too many of stories of people divorcing these days. So many that even I fear that I myself may end up getting one too.... But if this is the case, then I rather now fall in love, get married, give birth to kids. Imagine all the pain that you have to go through. Worse, if you have kids.....
So like right now, I'm gonna keep all my feelings back in and lock it at the deepest part of my heart, unreachable, and live my life with family and friends. I just hope that I won't repeat my mistake for misinterpreting again. I'm probably the dumbest person on earth. OH WELL FML.
"Find someone who isn’t afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you’re not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone whose biggest fear is losing you. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says I love you and means it. Last but not the least, find someone you wouldn’t mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles, and you gray hair, but still falls in love with you all over again." -Unknown
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