x

Feeling really stressed up and all and it's killing me a little every single day. I'm really trying very hard to be as happy and positive as much as I can every day but..... honestly it isn't working. Negative thoughts just flows in like a river, causing me to have the urge of giving up. I hate how I'm giving way to all the negative thoughts instead of standing strong. It takes only 1 comment to make me doubt everything that I've done. There are just times when I hope I'll be able to sleep for one whole week. I guess it's true how people say that when you get older, life actually gets harder. Just one small action and I'm back to square 1. Is it possible to completely remove feelings from one? I don't want to fall for anyone again because it always end up to be one sided and end of the day, I get more negative. Why can't life be simple? Where people fall for the right one, where things go your way, where people don't judge, where people are simple........ I hate life now. I hate the now me.

Nights.

For the past few nights, as I get ready to sleep I always end up thinking about the past, present and future. I always feel that nobody cares about me, but then I realised I've no one to blame only myself because when people genuinely want to know how I'm doing in life, want to make my day better etc, and all I do return is ignore them. Yes fucking ignore them, and only to complain that nobody gives a fuck to me when I'm down. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

But now I'm really scared of building relationships with people. I know I'm going to sound insane and paranoid and I'm trying to change, trying to get over this before it gets serious....... When someone randomly send me a text, or drop me a message on social platforms, thoughts like, "Does he/she need something from me?" hits me immediately and if the convo continues on, thoughts like, "Will he/she talk to me face to face just like this?" hits. It's like I dare not to think positive thoughts that perhaps they genuinely want to talk to me, want to know me better, want to cheer me up, instead I chose to think of all the negative thoughts. I hate being negative but sometimes when I choose to be positive, people tend to pull me down by doing all the negative actions that I so wasn't prepared for. 

I may be rough, I may not be feminine, but I am still a girl. Which girl does not want to be treated like a princess, which girl doesn't want to be pretty, which girl doesn't want to be loved by someone they love too? Really, why do life enjoy doing this to us? When we're fine and happy with life, they choose to get a metal rod and hit us really hard at the back and just suddenly you black out and when you wake up from it, it's like all your memories have been erased and you have no idea how to move on from there. THIS SUCKS. 

Waiting for life to be better and happier. genuinely.

Just a Fool

Another shot of whisky please bartender
Keep it coming til I don't remember at all
How bad it hurts when you're gone

Turn the music up a little bit louder
Just gotta get past the midnight hour
Maybe tomorrow it won't be this hard
But Who am I kidding
I know what I'm missing

You

I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel

And I waited and waited so long
For someone to never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool


I said that I don't care
I'd walk away whatever
And I tell myself we were bad together
But that's just me trying to move on
Without You

But who am I kidding
I know what I'm missing

I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who know that love was so cruel

And I waited and waited so long
For someone who never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true

I'm just a fool
For holding on to something that
Is never ever gonna come back
I can't accept that it's lost

I should have let it go
Held my tongue
Can't fight the motion
Cause now everything's so wrong
I'm thrown

I'm just a fool
A fool for you
I'm just a fool

I had my heart set on you
And nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel

And I waited and waited so long
For someone who never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool

It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool

Darkness Devil

Today, I've let the devil in me win the debate.

I'm just really disappointed in myself........ All my efforts have gone down the drain.

Wrong.

What's the point of putting in 100% of my effort in it and get nothing in return but only negative comments and issues? I'm really at the verge of giving up...... I don't see a need to hold on to something that brings me no happiness but just anger, hatred, sadness...... I looked at myself in the mirror and I realised I'm no longer the same girl as I was a year ago. I cannot entirely say I changed for the worst, it's like both ways, both good and bad ways. I'm filled with so much hatred and the colourful language that I have...... I've became what I promised not to become in the past. I don't want to be controlled by anybody, I want to be myself, have my own thinking, do things that make me happy. I don't see myself enjoying things like how I used to. What's taking over me? 

Life is unpredictable, I've no idea when will be my last day on world, so why should I be living in agony when I CAN choose to be happy instead? From today onward, I'll be the one controlling my own life, I won't let people destroy my happiness, and people who wants to get our of my life, feel free to, because I definitely have no intentions of holding you back either. 

Because I'm me, I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.