Nights.

For the past few nights, as I get ready to sleep I always end up thinking about the past, present and future. I always feel that nobody cares about me, but then I realised I've no one to blame only myself because when people genuinely want to know how I'm doing in life, want to make my day better etc, and all I do return is ignore them. Yes fucking ignore them, and only to complain that nobody gives a fuck to me when I'm down. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

But now I'm really scared of building relationships with people. I know I'm going to sound insane and paranoid and I'm trying to change, trying to get over this before it gets serious....... When someone randomly send me a text, or drop me a message on social platforms, thoughts like, "Does he/she need something from me?" hits me immediately and if the convo continues on, thoughts like, "Will he/she talk to me face to face just like this?" hits. It's like I dare not to think positive thoughts that perhaps they genuinely want to talk to me, want to know me better, want to cheer me up, instead I chose to think of all the negative thoughts. I hate being negative but sometimes when I choose to be positive, people tend to pull me down by doing all the negative actions that I so wasn't prepared for. 

I may be rough, I may not be feminine, but I am still a girl. Which girl does not want to be treated like a princess, which girl doesn't want to be pretty, which girl doesn't want to be loved by someone they love too? Really, why do life enjoy doing this to us? When we're fine and happy with life, they choose to get a metal rod and hit us really hard at the back and just suddenly you black out and when you wake up from it, it's like all your memories have been erased and you have no idea how to move on from there. THIS SUCKS. 

Waiting for life to be better and happier. genuinely.