Sometimes when I'm really upset, I just get really emotional and break down under the blanket. I've stopped doing that for quite some time but tonight, I know I just have to release out my emotions, my feelings on whatever that happened recently. Last week, the day when ya turned up late for her piano exam and ended up not being able to take the exam, it was hell. I cannot remember for what reason, but suddenly she was shouting and crying whereas mummy was also shouting at her. It was such a disaster... All I know was mummy was mad, daddy was mad, dajie was mad, ya was mad. Both me and zheng were trying to calm down the situation but it just caused all of us to rage up. Among that quarrel, ya said everything that she bottled up in her heart and I really felt like shutting her mouth up because I could feel the pain in mummy and daddy. But then I also could feel her. Being the middle kids, it's definitely hard to tell yourself that your parents actually love all the kids equally. You will certainly feel that your parents love and pamper the oldest and youngest kids and the middle one, is just extra. I could feel her because we're both middle kids in the family. Unlike me, ya is someone who just says everything out without thinking for others and for me, I bottle everything up because I fear of hurting someone else. I know that night, daddy mummy will not have a good sleep. However, thankfully after that night, everything was peaceful after that.
No families in this world is flawless. Some can be perfect, some can be broken, some can be saved. But we cannot choose who our parents are, we cannot choose who our siblings are, all we can do is to survive it, forgive, forget and love.
I may say I hate my family and stuffs but I really don't mean it. There are just times when I'm just really upset and I just need to vent it out. Sometimes i just feel that nobody at home understands me. There are moments when I just find it hard to open up my heart and just say everything I want. The fear of hurting them is just scary and I don't want them hurt. I rather I keep everything to myself than telling them and hurting them. I know this may be stupid but I just prefer it this way. Somebody just have to give in right? If I don't, wouldn't there be more quarrels at home? I hate it when they quarrel... It just brings insecurity to me. Indeed, life is never smooth. The ups and downs one have to go through. I just hope the worst have passed by and I'll never have to face it again.
I'll be fine tomorrow, like I always do.
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