Sad.

Sitting in Swissbake at Nex, eating my croissant as dinner. I am hungry but I have no appetite. Sometimes, I feel like surrendering, I feel like giving up. For so many years, I’ve tried so hard trying to please you all, trying to make you all proud. But I never succeeded in it. I’m still the same small girl who never grows up, the girl who never tried her best in everything she do, the girl who will never succeed, the girl who is useless. I really am trying my best, trying to improve my studies, trying to excel in something to make you all proud, trying to be successful in something else other than studies. But I was never recognized in your eyes. Becoming the class chairperson, a student councilor, the chairman of npcc, receiving the highest rank Station Inspector and SPF-NPCC badge, all this never mattered in your eyes. I know I am not smart naturally, I don’t have the brains to study, but I really tried and I still cannot do it.

I don’t know what I can do to make you proud of me. When other people praise me, or compliment my looks, the things that you say are sometimes really hurtful. But I covered it up with smiles and laughters…. And you never realized how hurt I am deep inside. Sometimes, I just need a kiss, or just a hug from you. I need you to make me feel so secure but since young, we’ve never had the habit of sharing our thoughts and I’ve never had the courage to go up to you and just spill everything out, cry out all the hidden tears. I always end up hiding under my blanket, silently crying my trouble, my sadness, my anger out.

I don’t need much from you all. I just need you all to notice me, give me words of encouragement, occasionally give me hugs, and talk to me about life and all. Is it that tough??

When I don’t work and ask you all for money to do some shopping, all I get is scoldings, telling me that I should save money to help the family in the financial. So I went to work, trying to earn some money when I can, and I’m able to go shopping with my own money and able to save money to pay for my own school fees, and if possible help in paying some bills at home. But all I get is scolding again….

I realized I was no longer that strong girl.

I’m just pretending to be okay when I’m not. And you want to know why? That’s because I don’t want you all to worry about me. Being the middle child, it’s normal to feel less loved isn’t it? Everyday all I hope is that you’ll smile at me and praise me for something I did. But how often do I get it?? Once every…. 2 months?

I’m not a superwoman, I’m just like any other girl, wanting to be loved, to be showered with love.

But I guess it’s too much to ask for right?

I’m never gonna be as smart as Dajie, neither am I gonna be as whiny cute as ya, nor neither am I gonna be as good as zheng.

I’m just that dumb girl, who will never succeed.

I surrender.

My life is never going to be successful. I’m just going to be that woman who will die alone on a street…