For real.

Every single time I cut my hair, 

it somewhat represent that I'm letting someone I love go.

I question myself, 

"What is love?"

And then I realised I don't know the answer to that question. Why is that so......

So I thought about it throughout the weekends and I've came to a conclusion. 

For me, I do say 'I love you' to quite a number of people, but they are mostly my girlfriends. People like Pris, Cole, Xut, Ely, Siti, Jo, Yiting, Sherilyn, Jan, JX, Dan, Hanyi, Rachel, Jolene, Vivian.... 

But I don't often say 'I love you' to guys. I do say 'Love ya' to people who mean something to me. Guys like Navinn, Yiqi, Justin. 

I personally feel that I shouldn't anyhow use 'I love you' on guys because it may mean that I genuinely love them as someone dear in my life, but to them it may mean that I literally love them, like really love love. So in order to not cause this kind of awkward situation, I don't actually say 'I love you' to guys, only if we're together......

In the past, it is really rare to hear/say 'I love you'. That is because people treasure the real meaning of 'I love you' and don't abuse the meaning of this 3 words, they genuinely mean it. They genuinely love the person for who they are, not for their looks, not for their wealth, not for the experience, but because he/she makes her/his heart skip a beat, he/she makes her/him wanna impress him/her every single day, and they can find a reason to love the other party every single day.

But look at now, people say 'I love you' so easily. And definitely, I am not going to deny that I'm one of those people. But I've got to say that I definitely don't say it to guys not because I don't love them as a friend, but because I want to say it only to my right one. I just find how people can go around saying 'I love you' to the opposite sex like as though it's their version of 'hi' disturbing. It makes me feel that this 3 words are losing their meaning and I actually wouldn't believe that a guy genuinely love me when he says 'I love you' to me anymore because I'm sure he goes around saying it to other girls too.

I wish I have the power of mind reading. 

Then I wouldn't have to go through so much just to figure out what's on people's mind...... 

Right now, I just want school and exams to be over. And then one day, I would turn on flight mood on my phone for the entire day before just going aimlessly around Singapore alone. To do everything and anything, just have fun. I'm really very very very very very very tired of everything right now. Having bottled up so much in my heart only cause me to lose my temper easier and lose all my confidence. I am very paranoid, angsty and sad these days that I'm starting to not like myself. I want to be free once again. Free from studies, free from problems, free from stress. 

The people who I can trust decrease every single day. It's so scary that people can be so nice in front of you, but the very moment you let your guards down and turn your back, you get stabbed not once, not twice, but thrice. BY THE EXACT PERSON YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD TRUST.

Like what on earth......!!!! 

Too much of such incidents make me really doubt on the people around me..... I start to question myself if he/she can be trusted, and in the end, probably keeping it to myself is the best solution. I don't have to worry when will the world turn against me.. 

I hate how I get moved so easily. 

I want to get more strict, more determined on protecting, not fear of saying 'No' to others, stop fearing of rejection. I'm always saying this but I always end up giving in. When will I stop being so weak and make a stand for myself. 

Disappointed in myself, for I know that actually I deserve all this end of the day.

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对不起，

我们不可能像以前那样亲密了。

虽然会想念， 

可是为了我，也为了你，

保持距离应该会对彼此比较好。

如果我们继续像以前那样的话，

我是不可能不会爱你的。

所以我将会把对你的好感，

和你再一起的美好回忆，

统统把它从心里给逼出来，

一次把所有的感情和回忆忘掉。

谢谢那段美好的回忆。

我们还是朋友。