Can I?

When will people around me start to realize that I’m just like them, a human with feelings too?

Sometimes when one smile, it does mean that they are happy. It can mean that that smile is only for show, because they do not want others to worry about them, they do not want to be a burden. But it seems like as time flies, people mistake me as a robot, an object with no feelings, no emotions, nothing……

Sometimes, I just want to be loved. I also want people to show me their love openly and not like as though their love for me cannot be seen by anyone. It just makes me wonder if it is really that embarrassing to love me. That feeling when people insult you and all you can do is fake a smile, fake a laugh like it does not matter to you at all. But deep inside, you are so affected by it, you are just holding back your tears so as to not hurt their feelings, make them feel bad. But it seems like people took it for granted, people thinks I’m oh-so-mighty, forever happy, forever carefree, forever not affected by any insults, teases. But the truth is, I do get affected.

I don’t remember being treated like that when I’m sick. I had to keep it to myself. Asked you all to help me feel if I had a fever and all you guys ever said was that I was being paranoid and that’s all. I had to go to bed all alone, suffer the heating temperature all by myself, and waking up at 3am just to grab a panadol on my own. So what if you all knew that I was having a fever? Did you all even bother to check on me while I was sleeping? No. Next morning, fever has subsided but you guys didn’t even told me to give a school a miss to rest at home, instead you all made me go school just because my fever has gone down. And now what? All he ever complained was that he’s having a headache and he’s being treated like a prince.

I also want to be treated like a princess occasionally…… But I doubt that day will ever come. I don’t know why you all are treating me like this….. Is it because I’m turning 18 soon, because I’m the older one here and I am able to take care of myself already? I don’t remember you caring for me like how you did for him when I was his age…… It really sucks being the middle kid at times. The oldest and the youngest kid gets all the attention and there’s me, who only matter when they wants to, when they needs my help?

I still want to be that small girl who whines and earns their parents attention and care. Please don’t make me feel out of the place. I also want to be treated the same. I want the same attention you give them, I want the care you give them when they’re sick, I want the praise you give them when they did a great job. I can feel that I’m slowly losing it all…..

I can feel myself slowly fading off everybody’s life because I was never and will never be that important to anybody……

I will be ok.