x

Feeling really stressed up and all and it's killing me a little every single day. I'm really trying very hard to be as happy and positive as much as I can every day but..... honestly it isn't working. Negative thoughts just flows in like a river, causing me to have the urge of giving up. I hate how I'm giving way to all the negative thoughts instead of standing strong. It takes only 1 comment to make me doubt everything that I've done. There are just times when I hope I'll be able to sleep for one whole week. I guess it's true how people say that when you get older, life actually gets harder. Just one small action and I'm back to square 1. Is it possible to completely remove feelings from one? I don't want to fall for anyone again because it always end up to be one sided and end of the day, I get more negative. Why can't life be simple? Where people fall for the right one, where things go your way, where people don't judge, where people are simple........ I hate life now. I hate the now me.

Nights.

For the past few nights, as I get ready to sleep I always end up thinking about the past, present and future. I always feel that nobody cares about me, but then I realised I've no one to blame only myself because when people genuinely want to know how I'm doing in life, want to make my day better etc, and all I do return is ignore them. Yes fucking ignore them, and only to complain that nobody gives a fuck to me when I'm down. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

But now I'm really scared of building relationships with people. I know I'm going to sound insane and paranoid and I'm trying to change, trying to get over this before it gets serious....... When someone randomly send me a text, or drop me a message on social platforms, thoughts like, "Does he/she need something from me?" hits me immediately and if the convo continues on, thoughts like, "Will he/she talk to me face to face just like this?" hits. It's like I dare not to think positive thoughts that perhaps they genuinely want to talk to me, want to know me better, want to cheer me up, instead I chose to think of all the negative thoughts. I hate being negative but sometimes when I choose to be positive, people tend to pull me down by doing all the negative actions that I so wasn't prepared for. 

I may be rough, I may not be feminine, but I am still a girl. Which girl does not want to be treated like a princess, which girl doesn't want to be pretty, which girl doesn't want to be loved by someone they love too? Really, why do life enjoy doing this to us? When we're fine and happy with life, they choose to get a metal rod and hit us really hard at the back and just suddenly you black out and when you wake up from it, it's like all your memories have been erased and you have no idea how to move on from there. THIS SUCKS. 

Waiting for life to be better and happier. genuinely.

Just a Fool

Another shot of whisky please bartender
Keep it coming til I don't remember at all
How bad it hurts when you're gone

Turn the music up a little bit louder
Just gotta get past the midnight hour
Maybe tomorrow it won't be this hard
But Who am I kidding
I know what I'm missing

You

I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel

And I waited and waited so long
For someone to never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool


I said that I don't care
I'd walk away whatever
And I tell myself we were bad together
But that's just me trying to move on
Without You

But who am I kidding
I know what I'm missing

I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who know that love was so cruel

And I waited and waited so long
For someone who never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true

I'm just a fool
For holding on to something that
Is never ever gonna come back
I can't accept that it's lost

I should have let it go
Held my tongue
Can't fight the motion
Cause now everything's so wrong
I'm thrown

I'm just a fool
A fool for you
I'm just a fool

I had my heart set on you
And nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel

And I waited and waited so long
For someone who never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool

It's my fault to think you'll be true
I'm just a fool

Darkness Devil

Today, I've let the devil in me win the debate.

I'm just really disappointed in myself........ All my efforts have gone down the drain.

Wrong.

What's the point of putting in 100% of my effort in it and get nothing in return but only negative comments and issues? I'm really at the verge of giving up...... I don't see a need to hold on to something that brings me no happiness but just anger, hatred, sadness...... I looked at myself in the mirror and I realised I'm no longer the same girl as I was a year ago. I cannot entirely say I changed for the worst, it's like both ways, both good and bad ways. I'm filled with so much hatred and the colourful language that I have...... I've became what I promised not to become in the past. I don't want to be controlled by anybody, I want to be myself, have my own thinking, do things that make me happy. I don't see myself enjoying things like how I used to. What's taking over me? 

Life is unpredictable, I've no idea when will be my last day on world, so why should I be living in agony when I CAN choose to be happy instead? From today onward, I'll be the one controlling my own life, I won't let people destroy my happiness, and people who wants to get our of my life, feel free to, because I definitely have no intentions of holding you back either. 

Because I'm me, I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.

Pineapple Tarts

Somehow somewhat it scares me that I'm turning 18 in 2 months time, and 20 in 2 years 2 months time. What am I doing with my life? Do I know what I want to be after I graduate from school? What's my dream?

"I don't know."

Even though I'm turning 18 soon, I feel like I'm still acting like a 15 year old kid and this is horrible. I still need my parents nagging to start studying before exams, going out as and when I want to. When am I going to grow up.

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14/03-17/03

Last month, went back to shs to help out for annual camp, like as usual. (I think I'm addicted lol. I guess it has become a part of me, that I'll feel weird if it completely dies out of my life.) After work, dad and dajie came to pick me up before we went to pick Zhengnie up then went to AMK to pick Ya and had dinner there too. I really love the market near ahma's place, I guess it's because I somewhat grew up there? Went home bathed and packed bag before heading to meet Pris, Syukri and Ryan at shs. So me, Ya and Pris got to get a room because we're cool like that. HAHA kidding. Lazy us obviously did not bring sleeping bag and we all totally regretted it because it was FREEZING cold.

Woke up at 6+, washed up, changed clothes and get ready for Annual Camp Day 1, first activity, Area 9 Games Day! The officers, CIs and youth wings had a briefing first before we had breakfast and that joker, Syukri released a Soya Bean bomb. HAHA! Nan told Justin that he needed to carry the water container over to the SAC and guess what happened when he moved the container?! Water spilled on his pants and unfortunately...... He was wearing a khaki pants and the water stain mark just had to be at around his crotch area, which made him looked like as though he peed his pants. HAHAHAHA! It was definitely a good way to start the day. Me and Pris had to help Weiliang sir with First Aid and honestly, I was praying really hard that nobody gets injured because I only know one solution to all injures.... "PLASTERS." Luckily the injuries that day weren't that serious. We had to wear a neon yellow vest and it really felt like as though we got caught littering or what and had to do corrective work. HAHAHA!

Games Day ended with a blast!




Yay won champion overall!


All the helpers!




Second event is bonding games! SOme of the games that they were playing.

Guess who's on the other side.
Honestly, I think this game is good for bonding because it'll help team members to know each other's name!


Human table soccer.




Third activity, Master Chef.
Each team has to sent half a team out to buy ingredients, strictly no can foods etc, and come back to school and whip up a nice meal. This activity has always been my favourite ever since I was sec 2! But too bad that was my one and only time I had that activity, who knew that I would actually have another opportunity to experience this again. (: We definitely crowded PRIME supermarket because everywhere you go, you'll definitely spot one of us.





The teams and their masterpiece!












And our final activity, CAMPFIRE.
Campfires are always the best part of a camp and it's been a really long time since I get to be at a campfire, I think 3 years ago? I remember the only time I had a real campfire in shs was when I was in sec 1, it was an UG campfire and that was the one and only time. Other 2 campfires were at Pulau Ubin NPCC Campsite. So i was really happy when I was told that there'll be a real campfire in shs this year! And I get to help out in building it woohoo! ^^ And so like usual, we have campfire songs and performances!










I really love this picture alot!



And the youth wings came up with a last minute performance, the fever dance. HAHA this damnce probably lasted till the 41st batch only. Because it's kind of r-rated? HAHAHAHAH!



and we ended our performance with a........

"But first, let me take a selfie!"

Most of the youth wings left other than me, Ya, Syukri, Ryan and Jazmi. That night we just sat around and chatted till 1+am before going to bed. And obviously we couldn't wake up the next morning. "Xijia, xiya, wake up, morning pt starting in 10 minutes time." That totally woke the both of us up. HAHA! Morning pt, I've always hated it. HAHA!

Day 2, first activity morning pt!

Second activty, DRAGON BOATING!
Our annual affair! But somewhat every year, when we go dragon boating it always rain! That week was super sunny but on that day, it just had to rain........ Me, Jazmi and Jeremy sir went with Team Royals for dragon boating and IT WAS AWESOME! It was a whole new experience for me because we get to do more dangerous activity that I've never ever did before!


I was the only blue that day. booooo. Actually the sec 1s are supposed to be blue too but their batch tee colour came out too dark that it looked like black. awwww......


What's dragon boating without this?


Extremely heavy rain halfway..... It was so heavy that we all had to paddle with our eyes closed. and trust me, it was FREEZING.




I'm sure all of us had fun rocking the boat!



TEAM ROYALS!
Really proud of them. We got second for the match! ^^





Headed back to school and washed up! Okay I kind of regretted washing up because right after washing up, we played games like soccer, captain ball, floor ball and it's like at first my hair was wet because I bathed, but 10 minutes later, my hair was wet because of the perspire. After the kids went to prepare for farewell night cum alumni night, me, Ya, Syukri and Jazmi played floorball with the officers and it was AWESOME! SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!

After that we went home bathed again and head back to school to meet with the youth wings before heading to school for Farewell night cum Alumni Night together.

Performances.

Batch photos.


The graduating batch. 42nd batch.


43rd Batch.


44th Batch.


45th Batch.


Alumnis, youth wing, oldies. 40th and 41st Batch.

Went out for supper with them after that. Slept in the next day because I was dead tired.


#family

My love for SHSS NPCC will never die. If it wasn't for them, I don't think I'll be who I am right now. They are the ones who made me who I am, who made me realised that no matter how far I go, there's somewhere where I can return to and still feel loved. I love you all. xx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18/03

Went out with double Jo and yiting!

  

 

Eighteen Chefs for dinner!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21/03

Went back school to help out for iChef with Jo, Jan, Nick and Dan!

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23/03

Went 叔公's birthday party. Actually it's quite sad that though the extended family is really big, we don't really recognise everyone and at most know how they look but don't know how to address them. I realised that if I were to ever bump into them on the street I would most probably not recognise them and just walk past them like strangers.....

It amaze me that kids have really good memory. I remember playing with Xavier like 2 years ago? But surprisingly he still remember me! Aww!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the week, has been going to Amore to exercise with majo! It was truly an amazing experience, trying out classes like yoga, zumba, kickboxing.

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have been going on a food adventure as well. I'm quite surprised to come across some cafes that I never knew existed in Singapore. I should do this more often!

BBQ Chicken @ Tampines 1

The Royals Cafe @ Siglap

JPot @ Tampines 1

Homecooked Pasta

Swee Choon @ Jalan Besar

Chicken Rice @ Tampines Ang Keong Food Court

Kbbq @ United Square

GIGANTIC GRAPE.

Sukiyaki Shabu shabu @ Heartland Mall

Strictly Pancakes @ Siglap

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Family bonding sessions.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adventure.

 

  

 

 

  

 

 

 

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