Disappointment.

Why aren't we as close as we used to be? 

It feels like everyone whom are really close to me, whom I really trust, will eventually drift apart from me. I'm really afraid that one day I will wake up and find that all my loved ones are gone, not like to another world but like away from me. 

I know I'm being selfish by having certain thoughts. I only thought for myself and not for others. And perhaps that's the reason why my love life is such a failure. I'm certainly not a secure person. I won't open up to people until I feel comfortable with them, until I start to trust them. But I forgot, people that you trust the most, will betray you too. Sometimes, it's just me. The many 'What If-s' are just appearing in my mind. It's like a remainder to me that I shouldn't trust people that easily because anybody got the power to hurt me anytime. I don't want to be hurt. I just want to be happy, smiley over every thing. 

I thought not everyone will change after getting into a relationship. But I was wrong. People do change. Some change for the good, some change for the bad. Something that I always wonder, "Friends or G/BF priority?" I don't think I have the rights to answer this question nor answer it for anybody else. Ha, I badly screwed my relationships like shit. And partially one of the reason was because I put my friends as priority, especially her. I'm willing to sacrifice my love life for this friendship yet all I'm receiving now is shit. I'm not angry. I'm just.... disappointed. I thought I mattered a lot to her but I guess I wasn't. But i don't know. Different people have different priority right? As long as she is happy.

Do you know how it feels like when you actually hear your best friend's problems from somebody else compared to hearing it from your best friend? It sucks. I know I am definitely not the best best friend on earth, but I'm trying my best. Sometimes, I wished you could understand me. I don't need a boyfriend in my life, all I need are friends, especially a best friend whom I can go on a shopping spree, eating spree without having to worry the expenses, whom I can rely on, whom I can confide in. I know around me, I have many amazing friends already. Friends like Nicole, Navinn, Elyana... They are amazing. But I just need this female best friend whom I know will always be there for me. Is it too much to ask for?

Oh God, I guess I'm just being selfish. 

Just stay happy and safe. 

I cannot be greedy to ask for more.